useless

Hmm I often feel quite useless. I really wonder if anyone would even notice, let alone care if I just disappeared off the face of the earth. Oh sure a few people would NOTICE, but how many would really truely care? Even people I once thought were my best friend never talk to me again, and I have lost more friends than I could ever count.

mum

HEY YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH THIS IS WHY I NEVER FUCKING TALK TO YOU FOR FUCK SAKE! Jesus fucking christ. Fucking BRYAN gives more of a fucking shit about me, he at least has the good sense to just avoid me, you go and fucking stick your nose in my life and then its just fucking gossip to you you stupid fucking cow.

Friends

Reeeeally gotta love my friends.I don't know if its just that they don't care about me somtimes or more likely are just too busy for me but I don't think I have ever felt I could count on a single one of them. Ever. There is a reason I started this blog instead of talking to friends.

Its really hard for me to open up to people and it does not help that I have no one I feel comfortable with opening up to.

FUNEMPLOYMENT!

Hooray, today I lost my job. My job I really loved. YAY

well glad I still have some vodka left. though guess I cant go do anything ever. fucking hell I swear to god its like everything is trying to tell me not to give a shit about camilla or something. the two of us are never happy at the same times. she gets a job, I lose mine. I get a job, she looses hers.

I am just going to sit here quietly all night and drink.

Sleeping pills

I am so god damn tired all the time. My sleeping habits are not TERRIBLE at the moment, but I cant sleep solidly. I wake up feeling sick or just not tired any more, or I have to go pee or something.

Some people have told me I should use sleeping pills, but I always reffused. I never thought I had much of a reason, I mean I love medication for everything else, If I could just take a pill to cure everything I would in a heart beat, I am practically addicted to pain killers.

But thinking about it last night I realized. I think deep down I knew that if I ever actually had sleeping pills, the lure of a painless easy way out just scares the crap out of me, cause I know if I ever felt that bad again I would take it without a second thought...

Hiccups

Every time I have hiccups, I freak out a little because I am hugely paranoid of having hiccups for the rest of my life.

The longer I keep them, the more freaked out I get until they finally go away.

Maybe this time I will be stuck with them for life...

Dreams

When I was younger, before everything changed. I used to dream all the time. I dreamed and I wished, and I hoped and I prayed, all day and all night.

I could never find anything to do with myself, I am mostly uselss. But every day and every night my head was filled with the one, singular desire. Its silly I know, but more than anything I wanted to be whisked away to another world, where adventure, magic, and friends awaited me.

I would wish so hard, with all my heart it was the only thing I desired.

And yet now. Now is the first time in years I have had this dream. this hope.

I wonder when it all changed? when I finally found something in this world that made me wish I would stay. when my dreams of those other world involved returning.

Probably when I finally found someone worth returning to.

Life was so much easier when I had no one. Caring for others is the worst.

Lonely

Just spent an hour or so not doing anything, not really absorbing whats on the screen. I don't really know why I get like this but every now and then I just want to cry. But even more than that I just want someone to talk to, but at the same time, I can't bring myself to reach out to anyone and talk, I would just be anoying them anyway. They all have better friends to talk to, people who are fun and interesting.

Well at least I have this blog now to talk to when I am feeling down. Maybe putting my thoughts down will help me not feel so lonely.